How can we get out of this awful habit? This is VERY long.......?

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, which up until now, has been fantasticlly fun filled and loving. 7 years go we moved away so that he could be close to his familys' new business and then after a few years of longing for an old property to renovate we finally found one and we were so very, very happy doing this up. It was absolutely perfect, it was so exciting and we put all our efforts into it and then the icing on the cake, along came our longed for daughter 3 1/2 years ago with fertility help who we adore. I chose to be made redundant after my maternity leave, the firm i worked for were relocating and i was reluctant to travel so took the redundancy as i knew it would help with the renovations. My family home was my priority. At the same time his familys' business really took off and he became completely involved in it, living and breathing it. I suddenlly felt like my daugher and I and the house took a back seat and it seemed like my romantic idea of homelife disappeared and i was struggling as a first time mum. My husband said i was suffering post natal depression but i think i was grieving for what i felt i was losing. I was now juggling going back to work with promblematic childcare and felt things were going out of focus and i felt i was sorting out my life and getting on with that and my husband was doing the same but with his life. Intimacy disappearing overnight. I felt my husband was no longer focussed on the same things as me and we started to argue and contemplated splitting up. Lots of shouting, and sometimes getting physical especially when he kept coming home drunk from pool nights with the lads who at the end of the day are out to get bladdered!! So while i would be trying to catch up on sleep he was coming home at 2am. It got out of control and he was so out of it on a couple of occasions that i despised him because he came home with a back eye, and got fined for peeing in public - he's nearly 40! He was struggling too though getting used to the pressures of his new job which i do understand. And he probably despised me for not being supportive. We had arguments all of the time. Now our attitudes towards eachother stink, his personality has changed in my view, perhaps ive changed too because i no longer have the self esteem i had since giving up my old job in law when i had our daughter. He is now startng a new business as well which is great but his personality seems to have gone completely business like and even the way he talks about general life is so business like i feel like he's made of stone and where is the man i married. Maybe I just need to realise that we are no longer young and free of responsibility and that all these things change us. Perhaps i need to grow up and stop getting upset if things dont turn out as I hoped. At the end of the day he is doing his utmost best to make a financially secure future for us all and maybe i need to sacrifice some things for him to do this. Am i being naive? When we were younger we got into terrible debts (frivilous and carefree with money), we are still paying it off. He's going to make us very financilly comfortable. So why are we sniping and biting eachother's heads off now and making eachother go on guilt trips about the most petty things. we cant talk about anything without arguing, there is no way we could go to counselling because he doesnt believe in all that . On top of all this we have been trying for a brother or sister for our daughter since september again with fertility help, only for me to miscarry recently!!!! We are now supposed to be trying again but with the state of our relationship and feeling so stressed i hardly think its the right time but time is running out as we are both close to 40. This has been longwinded but i felt i had to tell whe whole story for it all to make sense.